I cry a lot. Or, at least it felt like a lot…
I felt as though I was at total surrender to my tears. I felt weak and insignificant. I would mop up my tears with my mascara stained hand as if I was trying to shove them back into my eyes.
I was tired of apologizing over and over because of how silly I felt for loosing control of my tear ducts. I tried to cope with how I deal with stress and anger through pages and pages of journal entires, but I just couldn’t. I would fall on my knees and beg God to just take them away from me, but He never did.
I remember getting scolded as a child for apologizing for crying so much, and it sent me into a frenzy! My parents were as confused as I was. I don’t blame them at all, we were all a mess.
I remember thinking about how I couldn’t wait to grow up, because I thought it would get better as I got older. How wrong was I!
I have spent several nights with my husband, Brian, crying over the silliest of things. But really, it didn’t matter whether the topic we were discussing was worthy of crying about or not, I still felt worthless.
Brian has never gotten angry at me for crying. He has never scolded me. He never bombarded me with questions, he understood something I never could. Sure he has been confused and felt a bit lost and asked me over and over “what’s wrong?”, but his wife is sitting in front of him crying her eyes out! I don’t blame him at all.
Brian would spend most of the time trying to reassure me of my value. He told me that even with eyeliner down to my chin I was beautiful. He told me that he will always love me and more importantly that God has always loves me, and always will. Despite my tears, and how insignificant I felt, he loved me to the core. He reminded me of my worth again and again. This is where healing began.
Brian has taught me something I believe my parents had always tried to. He taught me that crying is just a part of who I am, and that it is okay. I don’t need to apologize because of who I am. Of course God wasn’t going to take away my tears, he gave them to me.
He knew, even if not at first, that my tears are just how I cope with the ups and downs of life. It’s how I process, grieve and work through things. That is okay, there is value in that!
Brian takes the time to listen to me through my tears and confusion. He lets me talk it out and engages in that conversation. He let’s me grow through my tears.
As I have gotten older it has (finally) gotten easier, but not on my accord. While I was on my knees praying to God that He would take my tears away, He had a better plan.
A plan that would require me to be patient. A plan that would take time. A plan that would heal me in a way I never thought I would experience. He planned to give me Brian.
A man who IS patient, who takes the TIME and genuinely loves me for me, tears and all. A man who brings the focus back to God and back to his plans. A man who, even when he doesn’t understand a single thing that is going through my head, is willing to sit up with me until 2am to figure it out.
So, today I am grateful for my tears. I am grateful for this challenge and I am grateful for the God who gave them to me.
Life is tough ladies, we all know this to be true. Focus your efforts on God and I guarantee you, you won’t be disappointed you did.
Jesus loves you, Jesus wept and Jesus has been there – let him be there with you now.